To prefix this, I’d like to say that I don’t consider these nudes. I mean sure, they are pictures of my nude body, but I don’t consider them sexual. I just want to get other people’s opinions on this.

Pics here

So, there’s something truly strange about the shape of my body. Like, I have ridiculously broad shoulders, very bad posture and also (IMO) a really masculine face, but I also have…hips? I guess??

It’s like, during the development of my upper body, nature was like:
“Boy? Boy. Yess, boy. Big shoulders. Angular face.”
And then for my lower body, it was like:
“Wait a minute…she might come to accept herself as a girl someday…screw it. Girl it is.”
That’s like literally what happened 😭

My body isn’t feminine. Well, my breasts might be 😂. But the general shape I’d say is kinda androgynous. Like I have a decently slim waist, combined with my semi-hips makes a really interesting illusion. The illusion of a feminine silhouette. Sadly it’s just a good angle and arching my back really hard, lol.

In any case, my boyfriend has a pretty good view, I’d say 🤣

I guess I’m not upset. Sure, it could’ve been a lot better and more feminine, but also…I feel like it could’ve been a lot worse. Like, I could’ve been a literal brick.
Am I crazy? Does this come across as arrogant? I’m really sorry, I’ve just been wondering about this since pre-HRT times. Now I have a platform where I actually feel safe talking about stuff like this…

So umm. Feel free to comment, criticize, roast or anything else. And…thank you, I guess? I really don’t know what I’m expecting out of this. I guess I’ll see.

  • AnxiousMiisha@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
    1·
    27 days ago

    Cily…thank you. I got your messages yesterday during the worst of it and they made me feel a lot better 🫂.

    Have you considered that your inability to see your features as feminine is caused by internalized transphobia?

    Yes. I know that’s at least part of the reason. I have a ton of internalized transphobia…
    I try not to let it out too much and I definitely don’t direct it at other trans women…but instead I direct all of it at myself.

    About my hair…on my birthday, in April, I actually did get a feminine haircut. I got curtain bangs. They look really nice, however I still tuck my hair behind my ears. And unfortunately, I have a legitimate reason for that…

    I have really bad temporal recession. Not pattern baldness, but I think it’s just the way my hairline naturally is (Screw you T! And…dad?? I guess?).

    Keeping it behind my ears keeps my forehead from showing through my hair…which makes me dangerously dysphoric. Going outside, having the wind blow my hair away…it feels good. To have it that long…
    But at the same time…my forehead sticking out of my hair…
    That honestly just makes me want to cut it all off and cry myself to sleep (which wouldn’t help me at all).

    Having it longer only highlights this problem for me. And it’s a problem I really should solve. I’ve only ever learned how to tie it up in a low ponytail. This uncovers more of my face and ruins even the tiniest chances of passing.

    I need to learn how to put my hair up in a more feminine fashion. I’m totally falling behind…

    Lastly, I think attitude, confidence, and posture signal femininity

    Yess. That’s also a problem I really need to solve. Confidence is NOT something I have, at all unfortunately. I know the importance of attitude and body language. It’s just really hard to unlearn some things after 19 years…

    Lastly lastly, I started girlmoding far away from where I lived

    This is really good advice and something I’ve thought about a lot. When me and my bf visit Prague, where people are more liberal anyway, I pack only girl clothes and wear those. It’s a really neat little trick, to girlmode in front of people you’ll never see again.

    Thank you. This does honestly help. You’re so nice Cily 😭
    Thank you for caring 🩷

    • That_Bitch_Is_Cily@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      1·
      27 days ago

      I also have curtain bangs, and I too have recession on my temples. I would love to cut my bangs shorter but i struggle with them not covering the thinner spots of my hairline. I almost never put my hair up for that reason either, even when I’m working and it’s over 100°F outside.

      I completely understand how insurmountable it feels to unlearn a lifetime of behaviors. I’m about twice your age but we’re at similar points of our transition I believe. I’m about 8 months on hrt and have been out and presenting full time as a woman for about a year and a half. I wish that I had the presence of mind to have started when I was 19 and the grief of having missed out on my 20s as a fully actualized woman is hard to grapple with. Impossible at times. But as I’ve said before, I am extremely proud of where I currently am now, and what is still left to attain.

      I don’t say that to dismiss your feelings of falling behind or having to relearn a new set of behaviors. Instead to just exemplify that, although your situation and life is unique, we all are out here contending with very similar feelings and experiences in one way or another. And any time someone can exemplify that there is a pathway forward, that is a win for all of us.

      Edit: I’m glad you got my message and that it helped. 🫂

      • AnxiousMiisha@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
        1·
        27 days ago

        I almost never put my hair up for that reason either, even when I’m working and it’s over 100°F outside

        I feel this so much and I hate we have to go through this 🫂

        I am extremely proud of where I currently am now, and what is still left to attain

        I think that’s the best possible mindset, given our circumstances. I’m glad ❤️.

        Thank you for sharing with me. I believe we can all reach our goals, someday.